Being an Effective Speaker
State your concern or issue as clearly as you can.
• Use “I” statements statements about how you feel rather than statements beginning with “You,” which tell another person how you think he or she feels. When you use “I” statements, you are taking responsibility for your feelings. “You” statements are often blaming or accusatory and will probably get a defensive or resentful response. The statement “I feel unloved,” for example, sends a clearer, less blaming message than the statement “You don’t love me.”
• Focus on a specific behavior rather than on the whole person. Be specific about the behavior you like or don’t like. Avoid generalizations beginning with “You always” or “You never.” Such statements make people feel defensive.
• Make constructive requests. Opening your request with “I would like” keeps the focus on your needs rather than on your partner’s supposed deficiencies.
• Avoid blaming, accusing, and belittling. Even if you are right, you have little to gain by putting your partner down. Studies have shown that when people feel criticized or attacked, they are less able to think rationally or solve problems constructively.
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• Ask for action ahead of time. Tell your partner what you would like to have happen in the future; don’t wait for him or her to blow it and then express anger or disappointment.
Being an Effective Listener
• Provide appropriate nonverbal feedback (nodding, smiling, and so on).
• Don’t interrupt.
• Develop the skill of reflective listening. Don’t judge, evaluate, analyze, or offer solutions (unless asked to do so). Your partner may just need to have you there in order to sort out feelings. By jumping in right away to “fix” the problem, you may be cutting off communication.
• Don’t give unsolicited advice. Giving advice implies that you know more about what a person needs to do than he or she does; therefore, it often evokes anger or resentment.
• Clarify your understanding of what your partner is saying by restating it in your own words and asking if your understanding is correct.
• Be sure you are really listening, not off somewhere in your mind rehearsing your reply. Try to tune in to your partner’s feelings as well as the words.
• Let your partner know that you value what she or he is saying and want to understand. Respect for the other person is the cornerstone of effective communication.
Negotiation will help dissipate the anger so the conflict can be resolved. Some basic strategies are useful in successfully negotiating with a friend, family member, colleague, or intimate partner:
1. Clarify the issue. Take responsibility for thinking through your feelings and discovering what’s really bothering you. Agree that one of you will speak first and have the chance to speak fully while the other listens. Then reverse the roles. Try to understand the other person’s position fully by repeating what you’ve heard and asking questions to clarify or elicit more information.
2. Find out what each person wants. Ask the other person to express her or his desires. Don’t assume you already know what those desires are, and don’t try to speak for your friend or partner.
3. Determine how you both can get what you want.
Brainstorm to generate a variety of options.
4. Decide how to negotiate. Work out a plan for change.
For example, agree that one of you will do one task and the other will do another task or that one of you will do a task in exchange for something she or he wants.
5. Solidify the agreements. Go over the plan verbally and write it down, if necessary, to ensure that you both understand and agree to it.
6. Review and renegotiate. Decide on a time frame for trying out the new plan and set a time to discuss how it’s working. Make adjustments as needed.
